Wednesday, January 27, 2010
CONTENTS
Marijuana: An Economic Bailout
Rat Wakes Red Vocalist Raferty Interview
Spoiler Alert
Whore-O-Scopes
How to be a Reality Television Star
Paganism: Going Towards the Earth
Should I Stay or Should I Go
This issue of Owensboro Underground
proudly sponsored by Equals Bar, LLC.
Dedicated to my parents, Charles L.
Camfield and Sherry Jarboe.
Special thanks to Glenn Ashby
(www.agentglenn.com), Eric Payne,
Anthony Simmons, and all contributors.
Questions, Comments or Advertising:
ouadvertising@gmail.com
Fan us on Facebook
Rat Wakes Red Vocalist Raferty Interview
Spoiler Alert
Whore-O-Scopes
How to be a Reality Television Star
Paganism: Going Towards the Earth
Should I Stay or Should I Go
This issue of Owensboro Underground
proudly sponsored by Equals Bar, LLC.
Dedicated to my parents, Charles L.
Camfield and Sherry Jarboe.
Special thanks to Glenn Ashby
(www.agentglenn.com), Eric Payne,
Anthony Simmons, and all contributors.
Questions, Comments or Advertising:
ouadvertising@gmail.com
Fan us on Facebook
Marijuana: An Economic Bailout? By: Matthew Baugh
The argument about the legalization of marijuana has been around for a very long time. In 1973 the debate became a legal matter when activists were granted decriminalization. The ruling was made possible because of sighted medical testing’s for various benefits. It is said to help with such serious diseases as AIDS, diabetes, and multiple sclerosis. Through this avenue, pot is very close to total legalization under a government model of taxes and regulations. This scenario has played out in the United States before, during the Great Depression with alcohol and prohibition. Now alcohol is legal nationwide and has become a great source of income for many areas of the country.
I recently read an article in Fortune Magazine, entitled How Pot Became Legal, in which an unbiased and very informative look at the issue was presented. There is a story of a man, Irvin Rosenfeld, which is living with a rare bone disease, and in turn he is a medical marijuana patient. The federal government has supplied, and will continue to supply until death, his weed. Every twenty five days, he goes to his pharmacy and is given a tin with three hundred government rolled marijuana cigarettes. Before he was granted this medicine, he had a long list of medications that ranged from codeine to Demerol and Darvon. He explained to his doctors that he had all of the benefits of his opiate medicines, but none of the side effects. With cannabis use his pains were diminished, he was even able to eat better, and his anxieties were lessened. In 1973, marijuana was decriminalized in eleven states. This meant people that were first time offenders caught with a small amount would have the charge dropped to the same level as a traffic ticket, which is a substantial reduction. In 1976 he caught wind of another man, Bob Randall, that had been ‘busted’ but won an acquittal with a medical necessity defense. Randall then filed a civil suit against the government, won, and was awarded with medical marijuana for the rest of his natural life. These two gentleman are two of the four in which the government has this deal. Some may think that our own government is trying to pollute its population, but that is not the case at all. These are extreme cases and pot is not handed out to just anyone. In California, for instance, each medical marijuana patient is given a picture ID to help regulate who receives it.
Just as in the days of the Great Depression, when alcohol was prohibited, we are in an economic crisis today. California and New Mexico are showing the rest of the country just how weed can be a cash crop. California, one of the thirteen states currently using pot for medicine, already has upward of three hundred thousand medical marijuana patients. They are also leading the way in “compassionate-care clinics” with around seven hundred. “New Mexico, however, hopes to have the first state licensed medical marijuana farm and distributorship up and running by September of 2009.” Colorado has also joined in the pioneer-ship having fifteen clinics inside its borders. In February of 2009, President Obama approved a non-action plan, which stopped the federal government raids and prosecutions of clinics and the people that supply them. I wonder if he is seeing the same dollar signs that President Franklin Delano Roosevelt saw during the 1930’s with alcohol. “Assuming a national consumer market for pot of about thirteen billion dollars annually, Harvard economist Jeffery Miron has estimated that legalization could be expected to bring state and federal governments about seven billion dollars annually in additional tax revenue, while saving them thirteen and a half billion dollars in prohibition-related law enforcement costs.” If these figures are even close to correct, the national deficit would be reversed in a mere matter of years. Though it is not immediate, it is a viable option numerically.
Some may question the addictive effects of marijuana and how that would negatively impact our communities across America. In one light that may very well be correct. If alcohol’s journey is studied closer, it is easy to see negative aspects with little effort. Things like DUI’s and alcoholism stick out more than anything. But it should be noted that most of these things are considered illegal and the persons responsible are reprimanded. As far as the addictive possibilities, there are now actual studies and much more research about the effects of THC (the major intoxicant in cannabis). It was found that marijuana is not nearly as addictive as alcohol or a lot of the current medications used for pain reduction today. In fact it was said by the Institute of Medicine, “it’s adverse effects are within the range of effects tolerated for other medications. The long-term risks to chronic users appear to center mainly on the generic dangers of smoking (repertory disease and possibly lung cancer) and upon the ’mild and short lived’ withdrawal symptoms that a minority of marijuana users experience, according to the IOM experts. They considered marijuana less addictive than tobacco, codeine, or Valium.” They are even working on a means of ingestion that will eliminate the need for smoking. There are already some forms of these ideas in the compassionate-care clinics such as; vaporizers, weed infused drinks, and a pill form that is still in the works. In 1988 Judge Francis Young ruled, “Marijuana, in its natural form, is one of the safest therapeutically active substances known to man.” He continued on to say, “It is almost impossible to overdose fatally on marijuana, a circumstance that distinguishes it from virtually any other drug. By any measure of rational analysis, marijuana can be safely used within a supervised routine of medical care.” The problem that most people that oppose the idea is the loop holes that are left in the legal system because of un-specific laws. The laws did not specify things like how much a person is allowed to have on them or where they got it from, before 2004. Senate Bill 420 was passed by the California Legislature in 2004, which regulated the amounts on a person, at home, where patients could acquire it, and made all patients carry a picture ID. Another benefit of the patients having their ID’s was not being arrested for possession.
In 2007 the government further regulated the entire process involved in medical marijuana by requiring the dispensaries to pay taxes, and even retro-taxes back to 2005. Not including federal income taxes the clinics/dispensaries pay, what their employees pay in taxes, and the payroll taxes, California is looking at two hundred twenty million dollars pumped into its economic veins. That figure is collected from the two and a half billion dollar industry that medical cannabis has become. In states like Kentucky, for example, where tobacco is already a huge ‘cash crop’ it could be a life line. With all of the federal taxes and regulations on the tobacco industry, it would be an easy transition. Because growing marijuana and growing tobacco are so very similar, it would not take long for farmers to convert. They could split their fields to half tobacco and half marijuana, but more than triple their monetary income. Therefore, it would not take a large investment to reap great economic rewards. If these concepts, and ever improving ones as well, were applied across the nation we could see a large chink put right in the armor of our next Great Depression.
I recently read an article in Fortune Magazine, entitled How Pot Became Legal, in which an unbiased and very informative look at the issue was presented. There is a story of a man, Irvin Rosenfeld, which is living with a rare bone disease, and in turn he is a medical marijuana patient. The federal government has supplied, and will continue to supply until death, his weed. Every twenty five days, he goes to his pharmacy and is given a tin with three hundred government rolled marijuana cigarettes. Before he was granted this medicine, he had a long list of medications that ranged from codeine to Demerol and Darvon. He explained to his doctors that he had all of the benefits of his opiate medicines, but none of the side effects. With cannabis use his pains were diminished, he was even able to eat better, and his anxieties were lessened. In 1973, marijuana was decriminalized in eleven states. This meant people that were first time offenders caught with a small amount would have the charge dropped to the same level as a traffic ticket, which is a substantial reduction. In 1976 he caught wind of another man, Bob Randall, that had been ‘busted’ but won an acquittal with a medical necessity defense. Randall then filed a civil suit against the government, won, and was awarded with medical marijuana for the rest of his natural life. These two gentleman are two of the four in which the government has this deal. Some may think that our own government is trying to pollute its population, but that is not the case at all. These are extreme cases and pot is not handed out to just anyone. In California, for instance, each medical marijuana patient is given a picture ID to help regulate who receives it.
Just as in the days of the Great Depression, when alcohol was prohibited, we are in an economic crisis today. California and New Mexico are showing the rest of the country just how weed can be a cash crop. California, one of the thirteen states currently using pot for medicine, already has upward of three hundred thousand medical marijuana patients. They are also leading the way in “compassionate-care clinics” with around seven hundred. “New Mexico, however, hopes to have the first state licensed medical marijuana farm and distributorship up and running by September of 2009.” Colorado has also joined in the pioneer-ship having fifteen clinics inside its borders. In February of 2009, President Obama approved a non-action plan, which stopped the federal government raids and prosecutions of clinics and the people that supply them. I wonder if he is seeing the same dollar signs that President Franklin Delano Roosevelt saw during the 1930’s with alcohol. “Assuming a national consumer market for pot of about thirteen billion dollars annually, Harvard economist Jeffery Miron has estimated that legalization could be expected to bring state and federal governments about seven billion dollars annually in additional tax revenue, while saving them thirteen and a half billion dollars in prohibition-related law enforcement costs.” If these figures are even close to correct, the national deficit would be reversed in a mere matter of years. Though it is not immediate, it is a viable option numerically.
Some may question the addictive effects of marijuana and how that would negatively impact our communities across America. In one light that may very well be correct. If alcohol’s journey is studied closer, it is easy to see negative aspects with little effort. Things like DUI’s and alcoholism stick out more than anything. But it should be noted that most of these things are considered illegal and the persons responsible are reprimanded. As far as the addictive possibilities, there are now actual studies and much more research about the effects of THC (the major intoxicant in cannabis). It was found that marijuana is not nearly as addictive as alcohol or a lot of the current medications used for pain reduction today. In fact it was said by the Institute of Medicine, “it’s adverse effects are within the range of effects tolerated for other medications. The long-term risks to chronic users appear to center mainly on the generic dangers of smoking (repertory disease and possibly lung cancer) and upon the ’mild and short lived’ withdrawal symptoms that a minority of marijuana users experience, according to the IOM experts. They considered marijuana less addictive than tobacco, codeine, or Valium.” They are even working on a means of ingestion that will eliminate the need for smoking. There are already some forms of these ideas in the compassionate-care clinics such as; vaporizers, weed infused drinks, and a pill form that is still in the works. In 1988 Judge Francis Young ruled, “Marijuana, in its natural form, is one of the safest therapeutically active substances known to man.” He continued on to say, “It is almost impossible to overdose fatally on marijuana, a circumstance that distinguishes it from virtually any other drug. By any measure of rational analysis, marijuana can be safely used within a supervised routine of medical care.” The problem that most people that oppose the idea is the loop holes that are left in the legal system because of un-specific laws. The laws did not specify things like how much a person is allowed to have on them or where they got it from, before 2004. Senate Bill 420 was passed by the California Legislature in 2004, which regulated the amounts on a person, at home, where patients could acquire it, and made all patients carry a picture ID. Another benefit of the patients having their ID’s was not being arrested for possession.
In 2007 the government further regulated the entire process involved in medical marijuana by requiring the dispensaries to pay taxes, and even retro-taxes back to 2005. Not including federal income taxes the clinics/dispensaries pay, what their employees pay in taxes, and the payroll taxes, California is looking at two hundred twenty million dollars pumped into its economic veins. That figure is collected from the two and a half billion dollar industry that medical cannabis has become. In states like Kentucky, for example, where tobacco is already a huge ‘cash crop’ it could be a life line. With all of the federal taxes and regulations on the tobacco industry, it would be an easy transition. Because growing marijuana and growing tobacco are so very similar, it would not take long for farmers to convert. They could split their fields to half tobacco and half marijuana, but more than triple their monetary income. Therefore, it would not take a large investment to reap great economic rewards. If these concepts, and ever improving ones as well, were applied across the nation we could see a large chink put right in the armor of our next Great Depression.
Rat Wakes Red: Interview with vocalist James Raftery By: Shane Camfield
Rat Wakes Red is a band based in upstate New York and has released 2 EPS and 2 full albums. They have played live shows from NYC to Toronto and opened for Bob Mould.
how do you feel your music has changed since its inception?
The music changes how I change, I guess. It's always a reflection of where I am. Or were. A chronicle of a time. I've changed instruments a few times, too, from acoustic to electric, but the new project is mostly acoustic. Lots of piano, too. It's the first time I've written piano songs. There's also lots and lots of strings, for those that missed them in the last album. 18 songs showing ten years of loss and change, new beginnings, hard births, and, ultimately, hope, I hope.
what influences you?
People, music, sky, sex, nature, food, dreams, art, work, beauty, grit, tears, death, birth, laughter, drink, fire.
if you were forced to cover a song, what would you choose?
You don’t have to force me, but, hey. “Dirty White Boy” by Foreigner.
what bands did you listen to growing up? favorite all time records/ artists?
The very first album I ever owned was "The Partridge Family" album. My mother came home one day with a little red record player and this LP for me. I think she bought them at the drugstore. She was so smart. I loved that album. I was 4. I discovered Kate Bush when I was 16, and to this day consider 'The Dreaming' to be the greatest album ever recorded. After that, I would say 'Nunsexmonkrock' by Nina Hagen is the second. Also: Joni, PJ, Kristin, Tanya, Kim, Kim. If you don’t know their last names, I’m sorry.
what can you share with us about your new record?
Oh, wow, lots of piano, strings, surprises. Little nuggets of hushed, dark nights of the soul. A slow and steady burn. The occasional revelation, I hope. Simple lines to huge harmonies. I can't wait for everyone to hear it.
James Raftery, vocalist for the band Rat Wakes Red (www.myspace.com/ratwakesred)
SPOILER ALERT! (a collection of opinions on movies from Shane Camfield and Raymond Johnston )
Rating Scale:
five snaps- brilliantly amazing, zero snaps- wreeeeetched
Paranormal Activity
R: wish their was more characters, but this was Totally bothered by the scariness.
S: SPOOKY. what the hell. i had chills up and down my spine. i was freaked out.
R: credible actors and i thought this was the real deal.. a copy that was sent to the cops.
S: it had that Blair Witch feel to it and that always makes me scared as hell. i love Horror!
R: finally- proof that sleeping with someone is just as scary as sleeping alone
S: and i can think of a few people that are MORE scary to sleep with than sleeping alone. lol.
R: this movie definitely 'brings the lube'!
S: four snaps, easy.
R: four and a extra half snaps for the after effects of the movie
House of the Devil
S: i loved it. its set in the 80s and the soundtrack RULES.
R: did a very good job keeping the timeframe of the movie in tact.
S: its not a real common situation.. hang out here and eat pizza for 400 dollars.
R: not a very memorable movie, i cant remember what happened to the female character
S: me either. but its called HOUSE OF THE DEVIL you cant go wrong.
R: i feel they did go wrong and lost my interest with only one death for an hour and a half.
S: I was spooked once again, maybe i just love being scared. who knows?
R: two snaps.. I’m generous like that
S: ill give it three and a half snaps, because devil is in the title and I’m lame.
Trick R Treat
S: hands down one of the best halloween movies ever made
R: the pumpkin kid is freakin awesome
S: he was trying to give me nightmares. he’s everywhere in that movie...
R: zombie children? just what the doctor ordered
S: and i dig anna paquin.
R: revenge....halloween...evil
S: bitches get stitches for not following the "halloween rules"
R: five snaps
S: five snaps
Whore-O-Scopes by Raymond Johnston, Shane Camfield, and Matt Baugh
Aries - March 21-April 19
AHHHH! Push It.
Taurus -April 20-May 20
absolutely DO NOT wear underwear this month
Gemini -May 21-June 21
every time you masturbate this month God will grant an angel wings
Cancer - June 22-July 22
you will be attacked by a pack of wild drag queens
Leo July 23-August 22
this may be the lamest, most uneventful month of your life
Virgo- August 23-September 22
the singing voice that you use in the shower is what everyone’s
waiting to hear, but only after you brush your teeth
Libra -September 23-October 22
your one desire will happen this month, but only if you are willing
do naked cartwheels in public
Scorpio -October 23 - November 21
whatever you want you will get if you use your 5-finger discount
Sagittarius -November 22-December 21
if you don't slap your mother someone else will
Capricorn -December 22-January 19
go to a total stranger, explain your problem, they will
lead you in the right direction -be sure to offer spare change
or oral sex
Aquarius -January 20-February 18
someone has found your skeleton and is contemplating
blackmailing you. Trust me, though, they are great in the sack
Pisces -February 19-March 20
your lucky numbers are 13 and 28, when you see these
numbers scream all the profanities you know and great things will happen
AHHHH! Push It.
Taurus -April 20-May 20
absolutely DO NOT wear underwear this month
Gemini -May 21-June 21
every time you masturbate this month God will grant an angel wings
Cancer - June 22-July 22
you will be attacked by a pack of wild drag queens
Leo July 23-August 22
this may be the lamest, most uneventful month of your life
Virgo- August 23-September 22
the singing voice that you use in the shower is what everyone’s
waiting to hear, but only after you brush your teeth
Libra -September 23-October 22
your one desire will happen this month, but only if you are willing
do naked cartwheels in public
Scorpio -October 23 - November 21
whatever you want you will get if you use your 5-finger discount
Sagittarius -November 22-December 21
if you don't slap your mother someone else will
Capricorn -December 22-January 19
go to a total stranger, explain your problem, they will
lead you in the right direction -be sure to offer spare change
or oral sex
Aquarius -January 20-February 18
someone has found your skeleton and is contemplating
blackmailing you. Trust me, though, they are great in the sack
Pisces -February 19-March 20
your lucky numbers are 13 and 28, when you see these
numbers scream all the profanities you know and great things will happen
How to be a Reality Television Star: By “A Real Reality Television Producer”
Take it from me, A Real Reality Television Producer: Don’t go on a reality show. As a producer, it is my job to make you look like an idiot. But if you absolutely must—please allow me to share a few simple versions of you that will help you become The Breakout Star of any reality show. Just remember: People love Extremes!
#1. “Exponential You.” I need you to amp yourself up. If you’re good (or bad) at something—this is what we’re going to latch on to.
Some examples:
If you’re a good parent to your two children: have six more!
If someone says you’re fat—start shoving s’mores down your throat and become morbidly obese. Because America Loves Fatties™!
#2. “Louder You.” No matter what you’re doing, you need to be louder and angrier about it. I don’t care how menial the task is: It should piss you off more than life itself. To do this, think of the thing that makes you angriest—let it infect your blood stream as if you’ve been bitten by one of those pissed off Zombies from “28 Days Later.” Then, take this Rage out on your co-stars. The audience—and the producers--will reward your behavior!
#3. “Dumbest you.” Forget everything you’ve learned throughout your life, including basic grammar. This will help you in your quest to be a reality star. This works for everyone that’s ever been on a VH1 Reality Show. And hey: Jessica Simpson didn’t even know Chicken of the Sea was Tuna—and look where it got her!
#4. “Drunker you.” What’s your limit at the bar? Triple it while you’re with your cast-mates. Bonus Tip: Daytime-drinkin' is a great way to give you that extra edge!
#5. “Hooker you.” This is a lot easier once you achieve #4. Sleep with your co-stars. Sleep with your co-stars boyfriends/girlfriends. Sleep with the cops who will no doubt be called to whatever house you’re staying in. Bonus points if you can get some sort of herpes in the process.
With these five tips, you’ll be on your way to fleeting reality television stardom in no time! Just remember the Reality Television Mantra: You’re not there to make friends.
#1. “Exponential You.” I need you to amp yourself up. If you’re good (or bad) at something—this is what we’re going to latch on to.
Some examples:
If you’re a good parent to your two children: have six more!
If someone says you’re fat—start shoving s’mores down your throat and become morbidly obese. Because America Loves Fatties™!
#2. “Louder You.” No matter what you’re doing, you need to be louder and angrier about it. I don’t care how menial the task is: It should piss you off more than life itself. To do this, think of the thing that makes you angriest—let it infect your blood stream as if you’ve been bitten by one of those pissed off Zombies from “28 Days Later.” Then, take this Rage out on your co-stars. The audience—and the producers--will reward your behavior!
#3. “Dumbest you.” Forget everything you’ve learned throughout your life, including basic grammar. This will help you in your quest to be a reality star. This works for everyone that’s ever been on a VH1 Reality Show. And hey: Jessica Simpson didn’t even know Chicken of the Sea was Tuna—and look where it got her!
#4. “Drunker you.” What’s your limit at the bar? Triple it while you’re with your cast-mates. Bonus Tip: Daytime-drinkin' is a great way to give you that extra edge!
#5. “Hooker you.” This is a lot easier once you achieve #4. Sleep with your co-stars. Sleep with your co-stars boyfriends/girlfriends. Sleep with the cops who will no doubt be called to whatever house you’re staying in. Bonus points if you can get some sort of herpes in the process.
With these five tips, you’ll be on your way to fleeting reality television stardom in no time! Just remember the Reality Television Mantra: You’re not there to make friends.
Paganism: Going Towards the Earth By: Celeste
I want to share my experience in the beginning with Paganism. Paganism is a broad term, but my practices are closely related to Wicca. Wicca is the worship of "The Lord and Lady", more or less the worship of duel deities, rather than just the one god. I tend to believe we are ruled by the one "Mother Earth."
I didn't just get thrown into paganism, I have some very close friends who are Wiccan and have been for quite some time- that's how I got an idea of what paganism is. I had the wonderful opportunity to witness some rituals. They also left me feeling so alive, it was just like I had the feeling that I just got it. About four months ago, I decided that I want to start studying paganism so I just started reading everything I could find. I'm still building my knowledge in other ways. There's a rule of a year and a day of studying, so I am not yet a member of a coven, but I am being mentored.
So far, my experiences with meeting other Wiccans have been very warm and inviting. Although l have to mention I have met some that practice "dark magik" and they are a little different and almost scary. I believe in the threefold rule, (that anything you send out comes back threefold) which makes me wonder why anyone would wish for something dark to come back to them. Right now, I can only practice personal magik- it's a form of low magik. However, I want to mention one of the rules of Wicca is secrecy. Believe it or not, even in this day and time there is still quite the stigma connected to following any kind of spiritual path that doesn't lead you to the local church. As far as most of my friends and family I still am in the "broom closet." As far, my over all experience with other Wiccans locally has been a nice one, any gathering I've been to was very warm and accepting.
I didn't just get thrown into paganism, I have some very close friends who are Wiccan and have been for quite some time- that's how I got an idea of what paganism is. I had the wonderful opportunity to witness some rituals. They also left me feeling so alive, it was just like I had the feeling that I just got it. About four months ago, I decided that I want to start studying paganism so I just started reading everything I could find. I'm still building my knowledge in other ways. There's a rule of a year and a day of studying, so I am not yet a member of a coven, but I am being mentored.
So far, my experiences with meeting other Wiccans have been very warm and inviting. Although l have to mention I have met some that practice "dark magik" and they are a little different and almost scary. I believe in the threefold rule, (that anything you send out comes back threefold) which makes me wonder why anyone would wish for something dark to come back to them. Right now, I can only practice personal magik- it's a form of low magik. However, I want to mention one of the rules of Wicca is secrecy. Believe it or not, even in this day and time there is still quite the stigma connected to following any kind of spiritual path that doesn't lead you to the local church. As far as most of my friends and family I still am in the "broom closet." As far, my over all experience with other Wiccans locally has been a nice one, any gathering I've been to was very warm and accepting.
Should I Stay or Should I Go? By: Christy Vasquez
A How to Guide to Surviving Infidelity:
This is easily one of the most difficult hurdles to overcome in a relationship. We have all had to deal with this painful reality in some form or another at one point in our lives. It may seem that all hope is lost when your partner is unfaithful, but this is simply not true. I have cheated and more recently been cheated on and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. This guide offers a few steps
and strategies to help heal and mend a relationship torn apart by infidelity.
As I said earlier, I have been on both sides of the spectrum. Married for ten years now, my husband and I don't live together. He works in construction and travels with his job. I see him two weekends a month. This has caused major problems in our lives as you can imagine. Everyone has their own set of issues and circumstances that serve as precursors to this type of relationship strife. I had an affair many years ago and my husband forgave me, but I have had to suffer the consequences of my actions ever since. Trust is the absolute hardest thing to get back. He still has suspicion in his voice every time something out of the ordinary is going on here at home. A few months ago I found out my husband had an indiscretion of his own. This is the first time I have ever had to deal with anything like this. I was always the perpetrator and now I'm the perpetrated. At first I wanted a divorce. The pain was so intense I couldn't see any way to move on. In my mind, our marriage was over.
As time passed I did a lot of hardcore soul searching. I sifted and sorted through the seemingly endless nuggets of advice I got from my friends. Some useful, some not so much. I even had one of my dearest friends advise me to stay with my husband, spend his paycheck, and party like a rockstar every weekend with whomever I wanted. Of course I didn't see how that plan was going to make my life any better or easier. Most of my friends helped me realize that this doesn't have to be a death sentence for my life with Hubb (my pet name for my husband). I drew strength from my friends and family that supported me no matter which way I chose to deal with this. I looked back on my own experience as a cheater with a whole new insight. I learned how to empathize with my husband for what I had done to him instead of sympathize. Here are a few simple steps to help you determine if your relationship is worth saving and how to go about coming back from such a dark place.
1. Acknowledgment
This is the first and definitely most important step to healing. If your partner is stone cold busted and refuses to admit anything, you're in trouble. I'm not saying that a full detailed confession is necessary, (I'll get to that in a minute) but the wrongdoer has to come clean about what has happened and that they are culpable for it. You can't get anywhere if you're still battling back and forth over if it even took place.
2. Is this a pattern?
Another factor you need to consider is whether or not it was a one time thing or if this has been occurring often or for an extended period of time. It is still possible to recover from recurring infidelity or a full blown long term affair, but the road is a lot longer and the work much more arduous. All of this depends on the people involved. If both people are fully committed and focused on healing and making the situation better, you can still repair the damage.
3. The Devil's in the Details
This one is a hard one, but if you can do it peace of mind comes a lot quicker. The offender needs not reveal every tiny minute detail of everything that transpired. It is immensely distressing to the person that was cheated on to wonder about the who, what, when, where, and why but these things are better not known. There are relatively few yet extremely important facts that have to be
divulged. Who.. This is only important if the person is known to both people, such as a friend or family member. It is not necessary to offer that she was twenty, tall with long brown hair, or anything of the like. What ( happened).. This is probably the most potentially damaging information. What happened is completely irrelevant if you are trying to move into a place of peace with your partner. When.. A general idea of how long ago it occurred and duration play a huge role in determining if your relationship is salvageable. Where.. Irrelevant in the same way as what. These types of details only cause pain for the offended partner. Why.. Necessary to know, but at times hard to figure out, the reason why this all happened is the first step itself to healing together.
4. The Open Book
Getting through this can feel wrong, but it works wonders to rebuild the trust that was lost. The wrongdoer must become an open book. If the cell phone dies and you can't find a charger, call from a friend's phone to let your partner know what's going on. It's invasive, and it can make one feel like a child. This will, however, give the wounded partner a sense of comfort because that basic comfort is lost when one person goes outside the relationship. They need to know where you are and when you will be back. No secrets, all passwords to voicemail and emails must be shared. Over time the pressure will ease up as trust is regained. The downfall to this is that there is no time limit. The "open book" phase lasts until trust earned back. My husband stayed suspicious of me until about a year ago. My cheating occurred in 2001. It's a very long process, but the end result is a happier and healthier relationship.
These basic steps have helped me immensely trudge the pain and misery cheating has caused in my life. My husband and I have actively discussed all of these steps and make conscious decisions to take care of each other through this painful time in our lives. It doesn't happen over night, and you will question yourself and your decisions every step of the way, but if you work hard and commit yourself completely to the healing process, a relationship can survive infidelity.
This is easily one of the most difficult hurdles to overcome in a relationship. We have all had to deal with this painful reality in some form or another at one point in our lives. It may seem that all hope is lost when your partner is unfaithful, but this is simply not true. I have cheated and more recently been cheated on and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. This guide offers a few steps
and strategies to help heal and mend a relationship torn apart by infidelity.
As I said earlier, I have been on both sides of the spectrum. Married for ten years now, my husband and I don't live together. He works in construction and travels with his job. I see him two weekends a month. This has caused major problems in our lives as you can imagine. Everyone has their own set of issues and circumstances that serve as precursors to this type of relationship strife. I had an affair many years ago and my husband forgave me, but I have had to suffer the consequences of my actions ever since. Trust is the absolute hardest thing to get back. He still has suspicion in his voice every time something out of the ordinary is going on here at home. A few months ago I found out my husband had an indiscretion of his own. This is the first time I have ever had to deal with anything like this. I was always the perpetrator and now I'm the perpetrated. At first I wanted a divorce. The pain was so intense I couldn't see any way to move on. In my mind, our marriage was over.
As time passed I did a lot of hardcore soul searching. I sifted and sorted through the seemingly endless nuggets of advice I got from my friends. Some useful, some not so much. I even had one of my dearest friends advise me to stay with my husband, spend his paycheck, and party like a rockstar every weekend with whomever I wanted. Of course I didn't see how that plan was going to make my life any better or easier. Most of my friends helped me realize that this doesn't have to be a death sentence for my life with Hubb (my pet name for my husband). I drew strength from my friends and family that supported me no matter which way I chose to deal with this. I looked back on my own experience as a cheater with a whole new insight. I learned how to empathize with my husband for what I had done to him instead of sympathize. Here are a few simple steps to help you determine if your relationship is worth saving and how to go about coming back from such a dark place.
1. Acknowledgment
This is the first and definitely most important step to healing. If your partner is stone cold busted and refuses to admit anything, you're in trouble. I'm not saying that a full detailed confession is necessary, (I'll get to that in a minute) but the wrongdoer has to come clean about what has happened and that they are culpable for it. You can't get anywhere if you're still battling back and forth over if it even took place.
2. Is this a pattern?
Another factor you need to consider is whether or not it was a one time thing or if this has been occurring often or for an extended period of time. It is still possible to recover from recurring infidelity or a full blown long term affair, but the road is a lot longer and the work much more arduous. All of this depends on the people involved. If both people are fully committed and focused on healing and making the situation better, you can still repair the damage.
3. The Devil's in the Details
This one is a hard one, but if you can do it peace of mind comes a lot quicker. The offender needs not reveal every tiny minute detail of everything that transpired. It is immensely distressing to the person that was cheated on to wonder about the who, what, when, where, and why but these things are better not known. There are relatively few yet extremely important facts that have to be
divulged. Who.. This is only important if the person is known to both people, such as a friend or family member. It is not necessary to offer that she was twenty, tall with long brown hair, or anything of the like. What ( happened).. This is probably the most potentially damaging information. What happened is completely irrelevant if you are trying to move into a place of peace with your partner. When.. A general idea of how long ago it occurred and duration play a huge role in determining if your relationship is salvageable. Where.. Irrelevant in the same way as what. These types of details only cause pain for the offended partner. Why.. Necessary to know, but at times hard to figure out, the reason why this all happened is the first step itself to healing together.
4. The Open Book
Getting through this can feel wrong, but it works wonders to rebuild the trust that was lost. The wrongdoer must become an open book. If the cell phone dies and you can't find a charger, call from a friend's phone to let your partner know what's going on. It's invasive, and it can make one feel like a child. This will, however, give the wounded partner a sense of comfort because that basic comfort is lost when one person goes outside the relationship. They need to know where you are and when you will be back. No secrets, all passwords to voicemail and emails must be shared. Over time the pressure will ease up as trust is regained. The downfall to this is that there is no time limit. The "open book" phase lasts until trust earned back. My husband stayed suspicious of me until about a year ago. My cheating occurred in 2001. It's a very long process, but the end result is a happier and healthier relationship.
These basic steps have helped me immensely trudge the pain and misery cheating has caused in my life. My husband and I have actively discussed all of these steps and make conscious decisions to take care of each other through this painful time in our lives. It doesn't happen over night, and you will question yourself and your decisions every step of the way, but if you work hard and commit yourself completely to the healing process, a relationship can survive infidelity.
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