How to be a Reality Television Star: By “A Real Reality Television Producer”

Take it from me, A Real Reality Television Producer: Don’t go on a reality show. As a producer, it is my job to make you look like an idiot. But if you absolutely must—please allow me to share a few simple versions of you that will help you become The Breakout Star of any reality show. Just remember: People love Extremes!


#1. “Exponential You.” I need you to amp yourself up. If you’re good (or bad) at something—this is what we’re going to latch on to.
Some examples:
If you’re a good parent to your two children: have six more!
If someone says you’re fat—start shoving s’mores down your throat and become morbidly obese. Because America Loves Fatties™!


#2. “Louder You.” No matter what you’re doing, you need to be louder and angrier about it. I don’t care how menial the task is: It should piss you off more than life itself. To do this, think of the thing that makes you angriest—let it infect your blood stream as if you’ve been bitten by one of those pissed off Zombies from “28 Days Later.” Then, take this Rage out on your co-stars. The audience—and the producers--will reward your behavior!

#3. “Dumbest you.” Forget everything you’ve learned throughout your life, including basic grammar. This will help you in your quest to be a reality star. This works for everyone that’s ever been on a VH1 Reality Show. And hey: Jessica Simpson didn’t even know Chicken of the Sea was Tuna—and look where it got her!


#4. “Drunker you.” What’s your limit at the bar? Triple it while you’re with your cast-mates. Bonus Tip: Daytime-drinkin' is a great way to give you that extra edge!


#5. “Hooker you.” This is a lot easier once you achieve #4. Sleep with your co-stars. Sleep with your co-stars boyfriends/girlfriends. Sleep with the cops who will no doubt be called to whatever house you’re staying in. Bonus points if you can get some sort of herpes in the process.
With these five tips, you’ll be on your way to fleeting reality television stardom in no time! Just remember the Reality Television Mantra: You’re not there to make friends.