Aries - March 21-April 19
AHHHH! Push It.
Taurus -April 20-May 20
absolutely DO NOT wear underwear this month
Gemini -May 21-June 21
every time you masturbate this month God will grant an angel wings
Cancer - June 22-July 22
you will be attacked by a pack of wild drag queens
Leo July 23-August 22
this may be the lamest, most uneventful month of your life
Virgo- August 23-September 22
the singing voice that you use in the shower is what everyone’s
waiting to hear, but only after you brush your teeth
Libra -September 23-October 22
your one desire will happen this month, but only if you are willing
do naked cartwheels in public
Scorpio -October 23 - November 21
whatever you want you will get if you use your 5-finger discount
Sagittarius -November 22-December 21
if you don't slap your mother someone else will
Capricorn -December 22-January 19
go to a total stranger, explain your problem, they will
lead you in the right direction -be sure to offer spare change
or oral sex
Aquarius -January 20-February 18
someone has found your skeleton and is contemplating
blackmailing you. Trust me, though, they are great in the sack
Pisces -February 19-March 20
your lucky numbers are 13 and 28, when you see these
numbers scream all the profanities you know and great things will happen
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